| Movie | Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon |
| Nutshell | Chinese amalgam of Romeo and Juliet, Star Wars, Sailor Moon, and Remains of the Day |
| Good Things | Girls kick ass, beeyooteeful everything, Chow Ooh La La Yun-Fat, Michelle Yeoh, teenage mutant ninja princess |
| Bad Things | Last time, everyone dying in the end is not romantic or deep or profound. It is depressing and just drives up prescription drug use. |
| Features | Ziyi Zhang,Chen Chang, Sihung Lung, Pei-pei Cheng (not to be confused with the princess from Shanghai Noon which, unlike this movie, includes Owen Wilson) |
| Uncomfortable Moments | I was worried about the little ninja princess when she got comb-napped by the swashbuckly but still kinda creepy hun type troubled loner guy. |
| Notable | Subtitles make people want to chat chat chat at the movies. |
| Best Part | Extended comb recon, referring to movie as "Shedding Husky, Peeing Panda" |
| Best Line | My comb! |
| Crowns | 4 out of 5 |