| Movie | Apocalypto |
| Nutshell | Mel Gibson’s very long thing that takes place during the decline of the ancient Mayan civilization and involves a lot of running and occasionally decapitations |
| Good Things | Friendly fellow moviegoers (there were only a few in the theater) who said hello when they came in and texted during the boring parts. |
| Bad Things | Yes, mostly bad things |
| Features | Raoul Trujillo and sort of all the makeup in the world |
| Uncomfortable Moments | Yes, mostly uncomfortable moments |
| Notable | Contains a very brief eclipse… for no reason whatsoever |
| Best Part | Nah. |
| Best Line | "I am Jaguar Paw!!" (Okay, actually the only line I remember.) |
| Crowns | 1 out of 5 |